Funny Stuff
99 Excuses for Skipping out of Work
You are here: Home / Funny Stuff / 99 Excuses for Skipping out of Work
99 Excuses for Skipping out of Work
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to pick on my kids.
5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies…
6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
17. My truss snapped.
18. My support hose popped.
19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m arranging financing for a house.
21. I’m arranging financing for a car.
22. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
27. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.
28. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
29. My back aches.
30. My stomach aches.
31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,†especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
32. My biological clock is ticking.
33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
34. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
35. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
43. I think I left the iron on.
44. I think I left the water on
45. I think I left the refrigerator on.
46. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
47. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
48. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
49. I have to have my waistband let out.
50. I have to have my watchband let out.
51. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.
52. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
53. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
54. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
55. I’m having a root canal.
56. I’m having a tax audit.
57. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
60. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.
61. I have to renew my driver’s license.
62. I have to get new license plates.
63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.
64. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.
65. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.
66. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town
71. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.
72. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.
73. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
74. I need to give blood.
75. I need to give evidence.
76. I need to give up.
77. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.
78. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.
79. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.
82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
83. I’m having my nails done.
84. I’m having my colors done.
85. I’m having my head examined.
86. I’m going to the bank.
87. I’m going to sleep.
88. I’m going over the edge.
89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
93. I need to check into a rest home.
94. I’m breaking in my shoes.
95. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.
96. I’m breaking out.
97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
98. I have to pick out a car.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.
Everyone needs a bit of extra time of occasionally, and all manner of outlandish excuses are given. Here is a list of 99 (mostly funny) excuses for getting out of work.
Sad as it may be the scandals affecting our sport connected to the world of betting have added richly to the lexicon of jokes available over the years. And, as with many such cases when it comes to humor, the fact that they deal with a delicate subject makes them funnier.
Here’s one to get you in the mood; The Pakistani team have issued a statement expressing their shock at the alleged involvement of three Pakistani players in match-fixing. They’ve promised to clean up their act before the 2-1 series defeat to the West Indies next summer.
Or how about the Pakistani international cricketer who refused to take a bribe? And his name? Why it’s “Asif†of course!
OK, we’ll go easy on Pakistan now as all that scandal is well and truly behind them and it’s not as if betting on cricket can’t liven up the otherwise dullest of test matches now is it? You can bet on just about anything these days – and with Betfair cricket becomes more exciting – particularly for the real aficionados of the game who understand its subtleties. That’s because Betfair is an exchange so you can accept bets as well as make them – acting as the bookmaker as it were. In these cases, someone who really deeply understands the swings of fortune that can occur in a test match can back and lay with Betfair, gradually building their stake up regardless of the outcome if they’re shrewd enough.
And if bribery really is rife within cricket – then spare a thought for the poor England Twenty20 team Captain Stuart Broad who said after the team’s poor showing in Bangladesh; “I just don’t get it, it was an important game for us so I bribed the umpire, but we still lost!â€
“It’s awful isn’t it†said Pakistan’s Twenty20 captain Mohammad Hafeez, “it’s getting so bad that you just don’t know who you can trust these days!â€
And finally, while we’re on the subject of unpredictable matches; I’ve been teaching a few hobbits how to play cricket. Bilbo’s not bad at catching, but he can’t really Frodo….groan!
You are here: Home / Funny Stuff / Clown Is in Town
Clown Is in Town
Clowns are comical performers, stereotypically characterized by their grotesque appearances: colored wigs, stylistic makeup, outlandish costumes, unusually large footwear, red-nose, etc., who entertain spectators by acting in a hilarious fashion. The types of their acts varies greatly. Although some find clowns to be scary, their intended purpose is to entertain people, especially young children. Peter Berger writes that “It seems plausible that folly and fools, like religion and magic, meet some deeply rooted needs in human society.” For this reason, clowning is often considered an important part of training as a physical performance discipline, partly because tricky subject matter can be dealt with, but also because it requires a high level of risk and play in the performer.
Clowning was developed from a broad tradition of historical performances, and it is difficult to point out a singular tradition or even a few different ones as being the primary precursors to clowns.[citation needed] However there are a few past prominent forms of entertainment contemporarily linked to clowning as its possible antecedents.
Examples of historical, “clown-like” comedic performers have been the pantomimus in ancient Greece, the Lazzi of Commedia dell’Arte, bouffons, court jesters, as well as the French mime tradition. On top of this there are many non-European clowning traditions (including clown-like figures in Japanese Kabuki theatre) to consider which may or may not have influenced what we now think of as a clown.
A whiteface character does not always wear the classic whiteface makeup. Additionally, a character can wear traditional whiteface makeup and be an auguste.
Classic appearance. Traditionally, the whiteface clown uses “clown white” makeup to cover his or her entire face and neck with none of the underlying flesh color showing. In the European whiteface makeup, the ears are painted red. Features, in red and black, are delicate. He or she is traditionally costumed far more extravagantly than the other two clown types, sometimes wearing the ruffled collar and pointed hat which typify the stereotypical “clown suit”.
You are here: Home / Funny Stuff / Different Between Rich and Poor
Different Between Rich and Poor
Rich man carries pretty woman with his awesome motorbike!
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Poor man carries pity goat with his awful bike!
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Transport or transportation is the movement of people and goods from one location to another. Modes of transport include air, rail, road, water, cable, pipeline, and space. The field can be divided into infrastructure, vehicles, and operations.
Transport infrastructure consists of the fixed installations necessary for transport, and may be roads, railways, airways, waterways, canals and pipelines, and terminals such as airports, railway stations, bus stations, warehouses, trucking terminals, refueling depots (including fueling docks and fuel stations), and seaports. Terminals may be used both for interchange of passengers and cargo and for maintenance.
Vehicles traveling on these networks may include automobiles, bicycles, buses, trains, trucks, people, helicopters, and aircraft. Operations deal with the way the vehicles are operated, and the procedures set for this purpose including financing, legalities and policies. In the transport industry, operations and ownership of infrastructure can be either public or private, depending on the country and mode.
Passenger transport may be public, where operators provide scheduled services, or private. Freight transport has become focused on containerization, although bulk transport is used for large volumes of durable items. Transport plays an important part in economic growth and globalization, but most types cause air pollution and use large amounts of land. While it is heavily subsidized by governments, good planning of transport is essential to make traffic flow, and restrain urban sprawl.
You are here: Home / Funny Stuff / Bring out the baby in you
Bring out the baby in you
These new set of t-shirts are a part of an ad campaign by Evian. These t-shirts have gained humongous success and have left an impact on people. The ads have been shot by renowned photographer Nathanial Goldberg. The significance of the campaign is to encourage people to bring out the child within themselves.
The t-shirts are designed to look like a baby version of yourself with the body of a baby drawn out from the neck down, giving it a laughable portrait of your grown up self as a baby. The t-shirts have been printed in a wide range to cover people of all skins. The ad has been shot using fair skinned and dark skinned people to promote harmony among all cultures and races. The ad really bring out the message to unleash the child within you and to take have fun like you used to in your childhood.
You are here: Home / Funny Stuff / The 10 Most Ridiculous Rapper Chains
The 10 Most Ridiculous Rapper Chains
Rappers love their jewelry. Some rappers don’t even have their own homes but as long as the ice is right, it’s all gravy like Fat Joe’s dinner table. I’ve seen some cool rapper chains…but I’ve also seen a lot of terrible ones. More often than not rappers seem to buy chains for reaction rather than thinking “is this something I’ll actually wear a week from now?” Here are the 10 most ridiculous rapper chains.
10. YUNG BERG
Berg’s chain wasn’t the worst looking one around, but I just don’t understand why this guy has a Transformers symbol around his neck? Was he in the movie? I used to like to watch The Flintstones but I also have a grip on reality and don’t need an iced out Barney. If you love a certain cartoon tell people on Facebook…not your neck.
9. YUNG JOC
Yung Joc’s chain says “Hustlenomics.” It could also seriously injure a baby. The worst thing about this chain is just how big and terrible it looks…kinda just like a hunk of metal hanging off his neck. The person wearing it doesn’t help the situation either. The “H” is for horrible.
8. GUCCI MANE
Cowabullshit. Why would a grown ass man want this chain? Isn’t your chain supposed to impress women? Imagine screwin’ a chick with Bart Simpson hangin’ on her titties? Yeah sure Bart’s happy but you look like a tool.
7. GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Yes Ghostface used to wear a dinner plate around his neck…he also used to wear a gigantic eagle on his arm. And while the plate does look ridiculous, it also opened the door for everyone to rock chains. Hit your mom’s china cabinet, get some rope and your in business. Even little Ghostface rocked it:
6. VERBAL FROM THE TERIYAKI BOYZ
“Ya colors too bright.” Not too sure what to say about this one. It looks like someone shitted out coloured diamonds and this is what happened. It’s not that surprising since the guy is wearing 3-D glasses. I’d need to be in a drug induced coma to wear this.
5. RICK ROSS
Unless you ARE Jesus Christ, don’t do this. The worst part is that some people probably mistake it for Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince wearing sunglasses. The question remains: Are those sunglasses iced out Ricky is rockin’ real or fake?
4. BUSTA RHYMES
If you are gonna drop serious dollars on a chain, make sure it doesn’t look like it was a 2 for 1 special at the flea market. This shit is just ugly. The “Map Of New York City” portion on top looks like it would break off mad easy and the colours give New York City a sort of Fruity Pebbles vibe. I hope Busta kept the receipt.
3. T-PAIN
* NOTE – T-Pain started off as a rapper and still raps. He counts.
According to T-Pain on Twitter, this chain cost him $410,000. I’m pretty sure there are kids in Ethiopia right now playing darts with a picture of Teddy P. I get the joke. It’s a big ass chain and it says “Big Ass Chain.” Hilarious. You know what else is funny? How dumb it looks.
2. SEAN KINGSTON
There are so many things to dislike about Sean Kingston that it makes it challenging to just focus on the chain. That being said, I’m gonna do my best. First of all why? Does anyone look at this and go “yo Sean that is dope man.” He’s lucky those crayons don’t come out the box ’cause if he wore this around me I’d go straight colouring book status on his eyes.
1. SKOOL BOY
I don’t know who Skool Boy is but I do know he has the most ridiculous chain I’ve ever seen. Look, I love chicken wings but you don’t see me with an iced out 10 piece around my neck do you? I’d imagine even the person he bought this from looked at him like “n*gga is you crazy?” It has gotta be rough when your chain has more buzz than you.
You are here: Home / Funny Stuff / ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH?
ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH?
SIR, i have come to ask permission to marry lour lovely daughter… 
BY PHIL McANDREW