SIR, i have come to ask permission to marry lour lovely daughter…
















BY PHIL McANDREW

“Our once-pristine wildlands are threatened by ever increasing problems of pollution. Since its first publication in 1989, How to Shit in the Woods has been adopted by outdoor enthusiasts everywhere as part of the solution. In this updated edition, outdoorswoman Kathleen Meyer reviews the newly available portable potties, with special attention to individual trekkers in an all-new chapter, “Plight of the Solo Poop Packer.” Other topics include: the growing array of travelers’ field water-disinfecting systems, Giardia contamination and the now infamous critter Cryptosporidium, crotch-accessible clothing for women, and a fresh batch of “worst experience” stories, all peppered with irreverent musings. For the purist, there are more wise t.p.-less techniques from the Old World.”

“In People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead, Gary Leon Hill tells a family story of how his Uncle Wally and Aunt Ruth, Wally’s sister, came to counsel dead spirits who took up residence in bodies that didn’t belong to them. And in the telling, Hill elucidates much of what we know, or think we know, about life, death, consciousness, and the meaning of the universe

“If you have ever wondered what action to take to keep clear of a fast moving ship, this book will remove the doubt.” – from back cover. Author is a Master Mariner and Deep Sea Towing Master, Licensed Panama Canal Pilot and Active Washington State Pilot

“Whose Bottom Is This? teaches children about wild animals using an appealing quiz format. Colour photographs feature familiar and exotic creatures from around the world, and children are challenged to guess the animal by looking at it from a rear view before turning the page to see the entire animal

“A clearly illustrated manual that shows equestrians how to prepare their mounts for the unexpected, turning them into safer, more pleasurable mounts.

“A Report on Popular British Attitudes

“As soon as publisher Neil Rhodes received Brian’s manuscript he knew he had finally found the book that would redefine the publishing world. It’s the book that will tell all you less-than-successful authors where you went wrong. No longer need you try and sell your novel or play or memoir and be rejected again and again. Now you can write your own

How to Write book and at last success will be yours. (…)”

“Better Never to Have Been argues for a number of related, highly provocative, views: (1) Coming into existence is always a serious harm. (2) It is always wrong to have children. (3) It is wrong not to abort fetuses at the earlier stages of gestation. (4) It would be better if, as a result of there being no new people, humanity became extinct.

“What evils await Captain Henry Mitchell on the island below? A U.S. Navy fighter pilot, he’s forced to abandon his Grumman after battling Japanese Zeros over the Pacific, but soon Japan is the least of his worries. Parachuting into rainforest canopy Mitchell is greeted by a lost tribe of pygmies and their insanely cruel leader, a female.

“Arranged in practical question and answer format, Cheese Problems Solved provides responses to more than 200 of the most commonly asked questions about cheese and the cheese making process, from problems arising during the preparation of cheesemilk and cheese ripening to queries regarding cheese analysis and the nutritional profile of cheese.”

“Life in Eighteenth Century Manchester

“Italian gestures are a language unto themselves. In Italian Without Words, 86 expressions are presented, paired with the Italian phrases they conjure and their English translations, all demonstrated by a man and woman who have to be seen to be appreciated. They’re funny, but the intent is not to ridicule; rather, they are holding on to a part of their heritage.

“No one’s got a wickeder eye for the absurdities of contemporary culture than Kaz Cooke. In Living with Crazy Buttocks she sets her sights on Barbie, NASA, celebrities, firemen (phwoaarr!), archbishops, cosmetic surgery, internet gurus, The Bill and Ben-Hur. She even takes a long, hard look at Ricky Martin’s bottom, not to mention Barbara Cartland’s beauty secrets.

SIR, i have come to ask permission to marry lour lovely daughter…
















BY PHIL McANDREW

Amazing Celebrities Tatoos

]]> http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/uncategorized/warning-see-it-before-you-piss/feed/ 0 http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/12-most-popular-myths-busted/ http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/12-most-popular-myths-busted/#comments Sun, 10 Aug 2008 10:18:08 +0000 rappin http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/12-most-popular-myths-busted/ Some of the most familiar wives tales and urban legends, plus some that sound dubious but which turn out to be true. You know them, now let’s bust them

It takes seven years to digest gum

While it may prove a bit more difficult to break down than organic foodstuffs, chewing gum gets no special treatment from the digestive system. Doctors figure this old wives’ tale was invented to prevent kids from swallowing the rubbery substance.

The Great Wall of China is the onlymanmadestructure visible from space

There are several variations on this folkloric statement, and they’re all quantifiably false. Astronauts can spot the Great Wall from low-Earth orbit, along with plenty of other things like the Giza pyramids and even airport runways. But they can’t see the Wall from the Moon.

A penny dropped from the top of a tall building could kill a pedestrian

A penny isn’t the most aerodynamic of weapons. A combination of its shape and wind friction means that, tossed even from the 1,250-foot Empire State Building, it would travel fast enough merely to sting an unlucky pedestrian.

There is no gravity in space

Blame the term “zero-gravity” for this common misconception. Gravity is everywhere, even in space. Astronauts look weightless because they are in continuous freefall towards the Earth, staying aloft because of their horizontal motion. The effect of gravity diminishes with distance, but it never truly goes away. Oh, and while we’re at it, it’s also untrue that space is a vacuum. There are all kinds of atoms out there, albeit sometimes far apart (and this thin gas adds to the collective gravity budget, too!)

Men think about sex every seven seconds

Males are driven to reproduce, evolutionarily speaking, but there is no scientific way of measuring to what extent that desire consumes their everyday lives. Thankfully, for world productivity as a whole, seven seconds seems a gross overstatement, as best researchers can tell.

Humans use only 10 percent of their brains

This media darling has been around for at least a century. Fortunately, it’s just not true. MRI imaging clearly demonstrates–with fancy colors no less–that humans put most of their cerebral cortex to good use, even while dozing.

Water drains backwards in the Southern Hemisphere due to the Earth’s rotation

Not only is the Earth’s rotation too weak to affect the direction of water flowing in a drain, tests you can easily perform in a few washrooms will show that water whirlpools both ways depending on the sink’s structure, not the hemisphere.

Animals can predict natural disasters

There is no evidence that animals possess a mysterious sixth-sense allowing them to predict natural disasters. Their keen senses of smell, hearing, and sharp instincts alone are enough to send them scattering for the hillsides during a hurricane or tsunami. And even so, animals often die during natural disasters, so if they do have some sort of sixth sense, it’s not worth much.

A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s

Despite a habit of licking things no human would dare, Fido’s mouth is often touted as scientifically more sterile. Truth is, oral bacteria are so species-specific that one can’t be considered cleaner than the other, just different.

Lightning never strikes the same place twice

In fact lightning favors certain spots, particularly high locations. The Empire State Building is struck about 25 times every year. Ben Franklin grasped the concept long ago and mounted a metal rod atop the roof of his home, then ran a wire to the ground, thereby inventing the lightning rod.

Yawning is “contagious”

Empirically, this is tough to deny; perhaps you’ll yawn while reading this. The real question is whether there’s actually something physiological at work here, and the answer is likely yes: even chimpanzees mimic each other’s yawns

Eating a poppy seed bagel mimics opium use

Purveyors of this urban legend call on a popular Seinfeld episode for support. It turns out there’s truth behind the comedy: tests suggest ingesting just two poppy seed bagels may produce a positive result for opiates on a drug screen.

]]> http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/12-most-popular-myths-busted/feed/ 0 http://thebizzare.com/funny-stuff/a-demon-barbarians-guide-to-impressing-a-girl/ http://thebizzare.com/funny-stuff/a-demon-barbarians-guide-to-impressing-a-girl/#comments Sat, 09 Aug 2008 14:44:44 +0000 rappin http://thebizzare.com/funny/a-demon-barbarians-guide-to-impressing-a-girl/

SOURCE:

20.  Pete

Pete (also known as Black Pete or Peg-Leg Pete) was the nemesis of Mickey Mouse from way back in the Steamboat Willy days and then later became the sworn enemy of Donald Duck. Pete was large and ever the bastard, picking on Mickey and his friends for no real reason other than to show that he was bigger and stronger than the whiney little runts. He usually played an authority figure as well making himself all that much more of a thorn in the sides of our heroes. A monstrous amalgamation of a dog and Long John Silver, Pete proved that he was an even bigger bastard than we thought when he actually befriended Goofy in A Goofy Movie and in the spin-off series Goof Troop… probably all in a perverted attempt to make things purposefully awkward for the three loveable Disney icons during get togethers.

Pete… AKA Black Pete, AKA Peg-Leg Pete… YOU are a bastard!

19.  Cobra Commander

Retreat! Retreaaaaaaat!

Take the greatest dictators of all time, pair them with The Phantom of the Opera, and then throw in the intelligence of Jessica Simpson, and you’ve got the chief nemesis of America and GI Joe, Cobra Commander.

We never really learned why Cobra Commander wanted to take over the world and why the entire membership of C.O.B.R.A. thought that this raspy and cowardly Nancy boy was the best choice to rule it, but never the less you have to admire Cobra Commander for his tenacity. Even when his own people got sick and tired of his shit, replaced him with a bigger badass and then changed him into a snake, he still came back with this dipshit schemes and ultimatums.

Oh, and if you were one of his pals, he had no qualms about leaving your butt behind to save his own.

What a bastard.

18.  Mumm Ra

Why did this guy hate the Thundercats so much? Was it because he landed on a planet he considered his own? It never stopped him from going after the Amazons or those retarded Ro-Bear Berbils things. Mumm Ra picked on The Thundercats for no good reason, sort of like little kids pick on the new kids in school. Instead of stealing lunch money, Mumm Ra wanted to steal Lion-O’s sword.

Later on in the series, with the addition of Mumm Ra’s faithfull pooch Ma Mutt, we learn that Mumm Ra hated the Thundercats simply because he was a dog person.

Plus, did anyone find it more than a little odd and disturbing that Mumm Ra – while in his weaker mummified form – basically paraded around naked with only a cape and some well-placed bandages to hide his shriveled shame?

I’m not saying anything, but I had an uncle who paraded out on his back porch wearing the same thing and he’s not due for parole for another three years.

17.  Daffy Duck

Yeah, I know.  He’s a beloved Looney Tunes character and I’m sure I’ll get tons of hate mail over this choice, but Daffy Duck the biggest bastard of the Looney Tunes bunch! Not even Yosemite Sam would stoop so low as to steal the spotlight from someone busting their ass to do a show or to steal a treasure from your best friend who accidentally stumbled upon it in a burrow.  How big of a bastard do you have to be to make it so that the audience actually wants Elmer Fudd to shoot you?

I mean, for God’s sake, to save himself from the possibility that he might actually get shot during hunting season, Daffy was willing to murder… murder Bugs Bunny, the closest thing he has to a friend!

You’re despicable, you bastard!

16.  Bender

I love the guy, but his bastardliness knows no bounds. Now, you can argue that he is a machine and therefore immune to said accusations of bastarditude, but Bender’s bastardisity is apparent whether he is human, animal, or mineral thanks to his scheming, thievery, and overwhelming ego.

What kind of a bastard steals from his friends that much? Tries to kill his friend’s pets? Sells nude pictures of his friends on the internet?

Granted, there are times when Bender saves the day, but in my opinion that makes him a loveable bastard rather than a plain old everyday bastard… and that’s why we love the tin can.

He is the greatest Latino on television.

15.  Mr. Cogswell

I know what you’re saying, “What about Mr. Spacely?” True, Spacely was a bastard, but for the premiere bastard of the future, you don’t look at George Jetson’s diminutive boss, but rather to his competitor, Mr. Cogswell.

So what makes Cogswell a bigger bastard than Spacely?  Spacely may have been a foul-tempered tyrant who would fire George without a second thought, but Cogswell was a person of questionable morals who would probably molest Elroy without a second thought if he thought it might give him the smallest leg up on the competition.

Cogswell was well known for sending spies into Spacely Sprockets to steal all of Spacely’s greatest ideas. Why? Well, it’s obvious… Cogswell was one of those bastards who never got any great ideas on his own, so he had to steal them from other people. We’ve all run into these kinds of bastards before and they are infuriating, aren’t they? The fact that Cogswell revels in the idea of being an idea theif only makes him that much more insufferable.

14.  Doctor Zin

Doctor Zin was a charismatic leader that somehow managed to recruit hundreds if not thousands of people to his side and what does he do with that power? He picks on a couple of kids and their dog. What a bastard! Later on, he even got his own daughter… his own daughter, mind you, to seduce Hadji so that he could screw with the Quests that much more. Not only is he a bastard, but he’s a lousy father as well and now poor little Hadji, still hung up on his love, can’t even fight Zin without popping a boner now.

Dr Zin has been a long-time enemy of the Quests. No one knows exactly who he is, where he comes from, or what his doctorate is in — but everyone knows that he wants to take over the world. (He’s not shy about telling everybody who’ll listen, and those who’d rather not.) Armed with a brilliant mind and seemingly bottomless pockets, Dr Zin is almost Dr Quest’s evil twin…. His bastardly twin.

13.  Flintheart Glomgold

The biggest bastard of Duckberg, no doubt, was Flintheart Glomgold. True, Scrooge McDuck might have been a little greedy, but Flintheart made him look like the Salvation Army.

This was the classic case of keeping up with the Joneses. If Scrooge got an airplane, Flintheart wanted a bigger airplane made out of gold. If Scrooge made a million, Flintheart wanted to make a billion.

Now, a little ambition is fine, but this feathery bastard actually went out of his way to sabotage and steal from his rival, enlisting the help of lesser bastards like The Beagle Boys or Magica DeSpell and, if he was successful in knocking Scrooge down a peg or two, he would come over and gloat about it.

Bastard!

12.  Dungeon Master

You want to talk about Bastards, I’ve got one of the more sadistic examples right here.

In the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon of the 80’s, four teens found themselves trapped in a mystical fantasy world guided only by the dwarfish Dungeon Master who they relied on to try and get home. Instead of telling them, “Go this way and get home,” this sawed-off little shit gave them riddles so convoluted that no one could solve them and continued to taunt them by saying he was going to send them home every week… only to watch in glee as their dreams shattered like glass.

Not to mention, he was the father of Venger, the villain of the entire story and was manipulating these kids to try and help redeem him. A sadistic and selfish little bastard who really didn’t give a rat’s crap if the kids who trusted their lives to him got home or not..

11.  The Mooninites

What list of cartoondom’s biggest bastards would be complete without these two pricks? There is literally nothing that these two do that isn’t bastardly on one level or another and, let’s face it, when the Mooninites are involved… those are really big levels.

Usually, the Mooninites spend their time trying to corrupt the poor innocent Meatwad to their bastardly ways making them bigger bastards than they would be if they would just remain individual bastards.

I mean, they actually out-bastard Master Shake. Do you realize the amount of bastarditude it takes to pull that off?

10.  Bluto

Tell me you people didn’t see this one coming.

Bluto (AKA Brutus) is the epitome of the bully, large, crude, and Neanderthal-like. Of course, merely being a bully doesn’t get you on this list… Bluto is the kind of guy who will go and try and steal your girlfriend every time even if she’s an ugly skinny chick with no rack at all. What’s worse, he loves to pick on the guy he’s stealing said bimbo from and, of course, in his mind when a woman says no, it means “take me, I’m yours.”

Thankfully, Bluto’s a bastard but not a bright one as he never once thought of eating spinach and beating the shit out of Popeye every now and again.

Stupid bastard.

9.  Jerry

Jerry reminds me of a little brother. Yeah, the big brother may start the confrontation every now and again, but the little brother does nothing but fan the flames and makes things worse because he knows that his parents aren’t going to let the big brother kick the shit out of him even when he sorely deserves it.

Generally, Jerry wouldn’t be on this list except for the fact that there are plenty of times that Jerry starts fights with Tom for no good damn reason. Jerry steals Tom’s food, bed, or girlfriend (which is sick in of itself) and when Tom tries to stop him, Tom gets bashed in the head and then kicked out by that fat black woman who always takes Jerry’s side, leaving the little vermin to spread bubonic plague and drop mouse feces wherever he goes.

Little brothers are bastards and so is that fucking mouse.

8.  Skeletor

Skeletor was not only a bastard, but he was a grade-A asshole as well. He was mean to his henchmen, abused his powers, and even though he had a whole flippin’ mountain to himself, he wanted to take the Sorceress’ castle too.

Let’s not forget, this is the same guy who made He-Man think that he killed an innocent person just to mindfuck him.

In many ways, Skeletor reminded me of this bastardly boss that I had once. Our office would make $30,000 one month and he’d throw a fit because it wasn’t $45,000. We’d work our asses off and make $45,000 the next month and he’d throw a fit because it wasn’t $65,000. Skeletor is that bastardly boss that wants more but isn’t grateful for what he has. If anything, the 2002 rebirth of He-Man only saw Skeletor become just that much more bastardly.

He’s got his own sorceress, he’s got a freakin’ Beast Man as a minion, and best of all, he doesn’t have Orko or anyone else retarded enough to call themselves Ram-Man!

But nooooooo, Skeletor has to continue to be a bastard and want more and more for himself. If that’s not enough, I think he was gay too. How could you have a hot piece of ass like Evil-Lynn sitting next to you all day and continually obsess about He-Man?

Supergay.

7.  David Xanatos

Xantos is the slick kind of bastard that I aspire to be one day. Rich, good-looking, and charismatic… he lived in an ancient castle he moved brick-by-brick to New York and then placed on top of the world’s tallest skyscraper just to get in with and screw over a bunch of Gargoyles.

Xanatos is another example of a bastard who wanted just a little bit more, but unlike Skeletor, Xanatos was slick about it only adding to his level of bastardliness. He knew what he wanted and it was immortality and he wasn’t going to let anyone get in his way. I mean, for God’s sake, he turned his faithful right-hand man’s right hand into stone just to test to see if one of his schemes worked or not. That, my friends, is bastardly behavior.

Xantos’ bastarditude fueled the show and, after his dramatic and slow change over to the side of good, Gargoyles turned into a pile of ostrich shit.

A testament to the true power of Xanatos’ bastardliness, or just something else this awesome bastard had planned from the beginning? You be the judge.

6.  Mr. Burns

It pains me to put Burnsey on the list, because despite his bastardliness, I love the old fart. His presence brightened up even the lamest Simpsons episode and at his best, or should I say his worst, he makes the show worth watching.

I mean, what other 104 year-old would go out of his way to skin puppies to skin for a coat or steal the sun from an entire town? How would you feel if you worked for a boss for over 20 years and he couldn’t remember your name? (I know that most of you are going to be spared this humiliation because you’ll probably be destined to work a job with your named embroidered on a shirt, but let me tell you… the pain cuts deep!)

I love you, C. Montgomery Burns (not in a Smithers way), but you are a bastard… a magnificent bastard, but a bastard none the less.

5.  Eric Crtman

Goodness, what a little bastard he is.

It’s not that Cartman is a spoiled only child of a mother who smothers him with attention and food, it’s not that he’s a greedy manipulative pig of a human being, it’s not that he’s a smartass and a foul-mouthed little brat. It’s not that Cartman is vindictive or shallow, it’s not that he’s a liar, a cheat, a smug winner, or a backstabber.

It’s because he’s got a big fat ass and this, my bastard-watching friends, is what makes Eric Cartman the biggest bastard in South Park.

4.  Lex Luthor

With the Lex of Superman the Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited, there aren’t any pansy-ass schemes to take over the world by using a team made up of a monkey and a retard who leaves clues so that the good guys can catch him, there isn’t a fat pig-squealing sidekick or idiotic nephew, and there ain’t no high school rich-boy angst. Lex is a no-nonsense businessman, a power hungry egomaniac, and a bastard through and through.

Lex rhymes with sex and Lex is a sexy bastard. Women want him and men want to be him… or with him too.  I guess it just depends on the man.

The thing about Lex Luthor that makes him such a bastard is the fact that people love him. I mean, he could fire nuclear missile up Superman’s ass and have him crash into a orphanage for crippled war children and the public would still eat him up. I mean, for God’s sake, he went to prison, made a supervillan out of himself, and still almost won the presidency of the United States. I hear that Lex was originally scripted to win the election, but George W. Bush’s lawyers threatened to sue for copyright infringement.

Here’s to you, Lex, you magnificent chrome-domed bastard!

3.  The Grinch

Do you honestly need a more thorough explanation for this bastard? I mean, this little fuzzy green hunk of crap actually tried to steal Christmas! I don’t mean that figuratively, either kids, I mean this asshat actually rode into town, impersonated Santa Claus, and committed multiple acts of home invasion and burglary on Christmas Eve – stealing gifts, decorations, and food – simply because he found one day out of the entire year annoying.

I mean, even your grade-A bastards will tolerate a lot more than that before they start acting overly bastard-like, but not the Grinch, oh no! He doesn’t even do the normal bastardly things like filing noise complaints or trying to get city ordinances or court orders going like those annoying Aethists do every Christmas, this bastard decided to go in and physically take Christmas away from the Whos and throw all of their holiday spirit into a canyon!

Now, I know what you’re saying, “Duh, but didn’t he reform at the end?” Well, yeah… but it wasn’t permanent as we thought it was as he returned to torment the poor Cat in the Hat for no good damn reason and then terrorized Whoville yet again on Halloween. Some reform that was!

The Grinch is a bastard and once a bastard, always a bastard. What’s next, Grinch? Are you going to steal Arbor Day? You can take my sapling when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, you cheese-eating dick monkey!

2.  Stewie

Stewie is, perhaps, the most bastardly baby in the known universe. With his eyes set on global domination and with killing the woman who gave birth to him, one must shutter at the very real threat that this toddling asstard poses to the world.

The thing with Stewie is that this little bastard has cuteness on his side and that cuteness blinds many people to the level of bastardicity that he actually exudes. It’s sort of like the California election… everyone thinks it would be so cute to have a one-liner spewing movie star as governor, but the next thing we all know, the state is surrounded by a barbed-wire fence, Junior is playing in art houses, and everyone is wandering around in a daze saying, “Why!? Why!? Why didn’t I vote for Gary Coleman!”

With his lust for power, penchant for murder, and his bastardly ability to get away with it all, Stewie will forever go down in the annals of cartoon history as one of the most vicious bastards of all time!

1.  Michael Eisner

Yeah, so he’s not a cartoon character. Fucker’s still a bastard, though.

Over the last ten years or so, I believe that Michael Eisner has single-handedly caused more damage to the animation world than any other man who has ever existed on the planet. There’s the obvious reason that he’s a bastard in that he was instrumental in killing classic 2-D animation at Disney when sub-par Disney films like Brother Bear and Home on the Range failed to make any money. Instead of blaming a shoddy product, Eisner felt that cell animation is just dead and moved accordingly to stamp it out.

With Disney stock falling and the theme parks getting fewer and fewer visitors thanks to his micromanaging, Eisner was called on to leave his position by Walt Disney’s nephew, but he continued to hang on like a tick sucking the life blood out of his company.  Finally, the bastard left and there were few tears.

The failure of Valiant and the other shitty CGI movies goes to prove that, like so many other things, Eisner was wrong about cell-animation being dead and I only hope that the next person to fill his shoes undoes the damage he’s done to the industry and to Disney in general.

Yeah, he may not be a cartoon, but Michael Eisner is cartoondom’s biggest bastard none the less.

You Won’t Go blind And It Won’t Fall Off!

Go On! Have a Wank!!