Cartoon’s Biggest Bastards
The world of cartoons may be full of happy bunnies, singing clouds, and that sort of happy horseshit, but there’s always the cartoon characters who are dumped into those worlds just to mess everything up for everyone else. Without them, there would be no real entertainment to cartoons at all and therefore, with this list, we salute the 20 greatest cartoon bastards of all time!
Pete (also known as Black Pete or Peg-Leg Pete) was the nemesis of Mickey Mouse from way back in the Steamboat Willy days and then later became the sworn enemy of Donald Duck. Pete was large and ever the bastard, picking on Mickey and his friends for no real reason other than to show that he was bigger and stronger than the whiney little runts. He usually played an authority figure as well making himself all that much more of a thorn in the sides of our heroes. A monstrous amalgamation of a dog and Long John Silver, Pete proved that he was an even bigger bastard than we thought when he actually befriended Goofy in A Goofy Movie and in the spin-off series Goof Troop… probably all in a perverted attempt to make things purposefully awkward for the three loveable Disney icons during get togethers.
Pete… AKA Black Pete, AKA Peg-Leg Pete… YOU are a bastard!
19. Cobra Commander
Take the greatest dictators of all time, pair them with The Phantom of the Opera, and then throw in the intelligence of Jessica Simpson, and you’ve got the chief nemesis of America and GI Joe, Cobra Commander.
We never really learned why Cobra Commander wanted to take over the world and why the entire membership of C.O.B.R.A. thought that this raspy and cowardly Nancy boy was the best choice to rule it, but never the less you have to admire Cobra Commander for his tenacity. Even when his own people got sick and tired of his shit, replaced him with a bigger badass and then changed him into a snake, he still came back with this dipshit schemes and ultimatums.
Oh, and if you were one of his pals, he had no qualms about leaving your butt behind to save his own.
What a bastard.
18. Mumm Ra
Why did this guy hate the Thundercats so much? Was it because he landed on a planet he considered his own? It never stopped him from going after the Amazons or those retarded Ro-Bear Berbils things. Mumm Ra picked on The Thundercats for no good reason, sort of like little kids pick on the new kids in school. Instead of stealing lunch money, Mumm Ra wanted to steal Lion-O’s sword.
Later on in the series, with the addition of Mumm Ra’s faithfull pooch Ma Mutt, we learn that Mumm Ra hated the Thundercats simply because he was a dog person.
Plus, did anyone find it more than a little odd and disturbing that Mumm Ra – while in his weaker mummified form – basically paraded around naked with only a cape and some well-placed bandages to hide his shriveled shame?
I’m not saying anything, but I had an uncle who paraded out on his back porch wearing the same thing and he’s not due for parole for another three years.
17. Daffy Duck
Yeah, I know. He’s a beloved Looney Tunes character and I’m sure I’ll get tons of hate mail over this choice, but Daffy Duck the biggest bastard of the Looney Tunes bunch! Not even Yosemite Sam would stoop so low as to steal the spotlight from someone busting their ass to do a show or to steal a treasure from your best friend who accidentally stumbled upon it in a burrow. How big of a bastard do you have to be to make it so that the audience actually wants Elmer Fudd to shoot you?
I mean, for God’s sake, to save himself from the possibility that he might actually get shot during hunting season, Daffy was willing to murder… murder Bugs Bunny, the closest thing he has to a friend!
You’re despicable, you bastard!
I love the guy, but his bastardliness knows no bounds. Now, you can argue that he is a machine and therefore immune to said accusations of bastarditude, but Bender’s bastardisity is apparent whether he is human, animal, or mineral thanks to his scheming, thievery, and overwhelming ego.
What kind of a bastard steals from his friends that much? Tries to kill his friend’s pets? Sells nude pictures of his friends on the internet?
Granted, there are times when Bender saves the day, but in my opinion that makes him a loveable bastard rather than a plain old everyday bastard… and that’s why we love the tin can.
He is the greatest Latino on television.
15. Mr. Cogswell
I know what you’re saying, “What about Mr. Spacely?” True, Spacely was a bastard, but for the premiere bastard of the future, you don’t look at George Jetson’s diminutive boss, but rather to his competitor, Mr. Cogswell.
So what makes Cogswell a bigger bastard than Spacely? Spacely may have been a foul-tempered tyrant who would fire George without a second thought, but Cogswell was a person of questionable morals who would probably molest Elroy without a second thought if he thought it might give him the smallest leg up on the competition.
Cogswell was well known for sending spies into Spacely Sprockets to steal all of Spacely’s greatest ideas. Why? Well, it’s obvious… Cogswell was one of those bastards who never got any great ideas on his own, so he had to steal them from other people. We’ve all run into these kinds of bastards before and they are infuriating, aren’t they? The fact that Cogswell revels in the idea of being an idea theif only makes him that much more insufferable.
14. Doctor Zin
Doctor Zin was a charismatic leader that somehow managed to recruit hundreds if not thousands of people to his side and what does he do with that power? He picks on a couple of kids and their dog. What a bastard! Later on, he even got his own daughter… his own daughter, mind you, to seduce Hadji so that he could screw with the Quests that much more. Not only is he a bastard, but he’s a lousy father as well and now poor little Hadji, still hung up on his love, can’t even fight Zin without popping a boner now.
Dr Zin has been a long-time enemy of the Quests. No one knows exactly who he is, where he comes from, or what his doctorate is in — but everyone knows that he wants to take over the world. (He’s not shy about telling everybody who’ll listen, and those who’d rather not.) Armed with a brilliant mind and seemingly bottomless pockets, Dr Zin is almost Dr Quest’s evil twin…. His bastardly twin.
13. Flintheart Glomgold
The biggest bastard of Duckberg, no doubt, was Flintheart Glomgold. True, Scrooge McDuck might have been a little greedy, but Flintheart made him look like the Salvation Army.
This was the classic case of keeping up with the Joneses. If Scrooge got an airplane, Flintheart wanted a bigger airplane made out of gold. If Scrooge made a million, Flintheart wanted to make a billion.
Now, a little ambition is fine, but this feathery bastard actually went out of his way to sabotage and steal from his rival, enlisting the help of lesser bastards like The Beagle Boys or Magica DeSpell and, if he was successful in knocking Scrooge down a peg or two, he would come over and gloat about it.
12. Dungeon Master
You want to talk about Bastards, I’ve got one of the more sadistic examples right here.
In the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon of the 80’s, four teens found themselves trapped in a mystical fantasy world guided only by the dwarfish Dungeon Master who they relied on to try and get home. Instead of telling them, “Go this way and get home,” this sawed-off little shit gave them riddles so convoluted that no one could solve them and continued to taunt them by saying he was going to send them home every week… only to watch in glee as their dreams shattered like glass.
Not to mention, he was the father of Venger, the villain of the entire story and was manipulating these kids to try and help redeem him. A sadistic and selfish little bastard who really didn’t give a rat’s crap if the kids who trusted their lives to him got home or not..
11. The Mooninites
What list of cartoondom’s biggest bastards would be complete without these two pricks? There is literally nothing that these two do that isn’t bastardly on one level or another and, let’s face it, when the Mooninites are involved… those are really big levels.
Usually, the Mooninites spend their time trying to corrupt the poor innocent Meatwad to their bastardly ways making them bigger bastards than they would be if they would just remain individual bastards.
I mean, they actually out-bastard Master Shake. Do you realize the amount of bastarditude it takes to pull that off?
Tell me you people didn’t see this one coming.
Bluto (AKA Brutus) is the epitome of the bully, large, crude, and Neanderthal-like. Of course, merely being a bully doesn’t get you on this list… Bluto is the kind of guy who will go and try and steal your girlfriend every time even if she’s an ugly skinny chick with no rack at all. What’s worse, he loves to pick on the guy he’s stealing said bimbo from and, of course, in his mind when a woman says no, it means “take me, I’m yours.”
Thankfully, Bluto’s a bastard but not a bright one as he never once thought of eating spinach and beating the shit out of Popeye every now and again.
Jerry reminds me of a little brother. Yeah, the big brother may start the confrontation every now and again, but the little brother does nothing but fan the flames and makes things worse because he knows that his parents aren’t going to let the big brother kick the shit out of him even when he sorely deserves it.
Generally, Jerry wouldn’t be on this list except for the fact that there are plenty of times that Jerry starts fights with Tom for no good damn reason. Jerry steals Tom’s food, bed, or girlfriend (which is sick in of itself) and when Tom tries to stop him, Tom gets bashed in the head and then kicked out by that fat black woman who always takes Jerry’s side, leaving the little vermin to spread bubonic plague and drop mouse feces wherever he goes.
Little brothers are bastards and so is that fucking mouse.
Skeletor was not only a bastard, but he was a grade-A asshole as well. He was mean to his henchmen, abused his powers, and even though he had a whole flippin’ mountain to himself, he wanted to take the Sorceress’ castle too.
Let’s not forget, this is the same guy who made He-Man think that he killed an innocent person just to mindfuck him.
In many ways, Skeletor reminded me of this bastardly boss that I had once. Our office would make $30,000 one month and he’d throw a fit because it wasn’t $45,000. We’d work our asses off and make $45,000 the next month and he’d throw a fit because it wasn’t $65,000. Skeletor is that bastardly boss that wants more but isn’t grateful for what he has. If anything, the 2002 rebirth of He-Man only saw Skeletor become just that much more bastardly.
He’s got his own sorceress, he’s got a freakin’ Beast Man as a minion, and best of all, he doesn’t have Orko or anyone else retarded enough to call themselves Ram-Man!
But nooooooo, Skeletor has to continue to be a bastard and want more and more for himself. If that’s not enough, I think he was gay too. How could you have a hot piece of ass like Evil-Lynn sitting next to you all day and continually obsess about He-Man?
7. David Xanatos
Xantos is the slick kind of bastard that I aspire to be one day. Rich, good-looking, and charismatic… he lived in an ancient castle he moved brick-by-brick to New York and then placed on top of the world’s tallest skyscraper just to get in with and screw over a bunch of Gargoyles.
Xanatos is another example of a bastard who wanted just a little bit more, but unlike Skeletor, Xanatos was slick about it only adding to his level of bastardliness. He knew what he wanted and it was immortality and he wasn’t going to let anyone get in his way. I mean, for God’s sake, he turned his faithful right-hand man’s right hand into stone just to test to see if one of his schemes worked or not. That, my friends, is bastardly behavior.
Xantos’ bastarditude fueled the show and, after his dramatic and slow change over to the side of good, Gargoyles turned into a pile of ostrich shit.
A testament to the true power of Xanatos’ bastardliness, or just something else this awesome bastard had planned from the beginning? You be the judge.
6. Mr. Burns
It pains me to put Burnsey on the list, because despite his bastardliness, I love the old fart. His presence brightened up even the lamest Simpsons episode and at his best, or should I say his worst, he makes the show worth watching.
I mean, what other 104 year-old would go out of his way to skin puppies to skin for a coat or steal the sun from an entire town? How would you feel if you worked for a boss for over 20 years and he couldn’t remember your name? (I know that most of you are going to be spared this humiliation because you’ll probably be destined to work a job with your named embroidered on a shirt, but let me tell you… the pain cuts deep!)
I love you, C. Montgomery Burns (not in a Smithers way), but you are a bastard… a magnificent bastard, but a bastard none the less.
5. Eric Crtman
Goodness, what a little bastard he is.
It’s not that Cartman is a spoiled only child of a mother who smothers him with attention and food, it’s not that he’s a greedy manipulative pig of a human being, it’s not that he’s a smartass and a foul-mouthed little brat. It’s not that Cartman is vindictive or shallow, it’s not that he’s a liar, a cheat, a smug winner, or a backstabber.
It’s because he’s got a big fat ass and this, my bastard-watching friends, is what makes Eric Cartman the biggest bastard in South Park.
4. Lex Luthor
With the Lex of Superman the Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited, there aren’t any pansy-ass schemes to take over the world by using a team made up of a monkey and a retard who leaves clues so that the good guys can catch him, there isn’t a fat pig-squealing sidekick or idiotic nephew, and there ain’t no high school rich-boy angst. Lex is a no-nonsense businessman, a power hungry egomaniac, and a bastard through and through.
Lex rhymes with sex and Lex is a sexy bastard. Women want him and men want to be him… or with him too. I guess it just depends on the man.
The thing about Lex Luthor that makes him such a bastard is the fact that people love him. I mean, he could fire nuclear missile up Superman’s ass and have him crash into a orphanage for crippled war children and the public would still eat him up. I mean, for God’s sake, he went to prison, made a supervillan out of himself, and still almost won the presidency of the United States. I hear that Lex was originally scripted to win the election, but George W. Bush’s lawyers threatened to sue for copyright infringement.
Here’s to you, Lex, you magnificent chrome-domed bastard!
3. The Grinch
Do you honestly need a more thorough explanation for this bastard? I mean, this little fuzzy green hunk of crap actually tried to steal Christmas! I don’t mean that figuratively, either kids, I mean this asshat actually rode into town, impersonated Santa Claus, and committed multiple acts of home invasion and burglary on Christmas Eve – stealing gifts, decorations, and food – simply because he found one day out of the entire year annoying.
I mean, even your grade-A bastards will tolerate a lot more than that before they start acting overly bastard-like, but not the Grinch, oh no! He doesn’t even do the normal bastardly things like filing noise complaints or trying to get city ordinances or court orders going like those annoying Aethists do every Christmas, this bastard decided to go in and physically take Christmas away from the Whos and throw all of their holiday spirit into a canyon!
Now, I know what you’re saying, “Duh, but didn’t he reform at the end?” Well, yeah… but it wasn’t permanent as we thought it was as he returned to torment the poor Cat in the Hat for no good damn reason and then terrorized Whoville yet again on Halloween. Some reform that was!
The Grinch is a bastard and once a bastard, always a bastard. What’s next, Grinch? Are you going to steal Arbor Day? You can take my sapling when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, you cheese-eating dick monkey!
Stewie is, perhaps, the most bastardly baby in the known universe. With his eyes set on global domination and with killing the woman who gave birth to him, one must shutter at the very real threat that this toddling asstard poses to the world.
The thing with Stewie is that this little bastard has cuteness on his side and that cuteness blinds many people to the level of bastardicity that he actually exudes. It’s sort of like the California election… everyone thinks it would be so cute to have a one-liner spewing movie star as governor, but the next thing we all know, the state is surrounded by a barbed-wire fence, Junior is playing in art houses, and everyone is wandering around in a daze saying, “Why!? Why!? Why didn’t I vote for Gary Coleman!”
With his lust for power, penchant for murder, and his bastardly ability to get away with it all, Stewie will forever go down in the annals of cartoon history as one of the most vicious bastards of all time!
1. Michael Eisner
Yeah, so he’s not a cartoon character. Fucker’s still a bastard, though.
Over the last ten years or so, I believe that Michael Eisner has single-handedly caused more damage to the animation world than any other man who has ever existed on the planet. There’s the obvious reason that he’s a bastard in that he was instrumental in killing classic 2-D animation at Disney when sub-par Disney films like Brother Bear and Home on the Range failed to make any money. Instead of blaming a shoddy product, Eisner felt that cell animation is just dead and moved accordingly to stamp it out.
With Disney stock falling and the theme parks getting fewer and fewer visitors thanks to his micromanaging, Eisner was called on to leave his position by Walt Disney’s nephew, but he continued to hang on like a tick sucking the life blood out of his company. Finally, the bastard left and there were few tears.
The failure of Valiant and the other shitty CGI movies goes to prove that, like so many other things, Eisner was wrong about cell-animation being dead and I only hope that the next person to fill his shoes undoes the damage he’s done to the industry and to Disney in general.
Yeah, he may not be a cartoon, but Michael Eisner is cartoondom’s biggest bastard none the less.