The traditional form of sushi is fermented fish and rice, preserved with salt in a process that has been traced to Southeast Asia, where it remains popular today. The term sushi comes from an archaic grammatical form no longer used in other contexts; literally, “sushi” means “it’s sour”, a reflection of its historic fermented roots.

The science behind the fermentation of fish packed in rice is that the vinegar produced from fermenting rice breaks the fish down into amino acids. This results in one of the five basic tastes, called umami in Japanese. The oldest form of sushi in Japan, Narezushi still very closely resembles this process. In Japan, Narezushi evolved into Oshizushi and ultimately Edomae nigirizushi, which is what the world today knows as “sushi.”

Contemporary Japanese sushi has little resemblance to the traditional lacto-fermented rice dish. Originally, when the fermented fish was taken out of the rice, only the fish was consumed and the fermented rice was discarded. The strong-tasting and -smelling funazushi, a kind of narezushi made near Lake Biwa in Japan, resembles the traditional fermented dish. Beginning in the Muromachi period (AD 1336–1573) of Japan, vinegar was added to the mixture for better taste and preservation. The vinegar accentuated the rice’s sourness, and was known to increase its life span, allowing the fermentation process to be shortened and eventually abandoned. In the following centuries, sushi in Osaka evolved into oshi-zushi. The seafood and rice were pressed using wooden (usually bamboo) molds. By the mid 18th century, this form of sushi had reached Edo (contemporary Tokyo).

The contemporary version, internationally known as “sushi,” was invented by Hanaya Yohei at the end of Edo period in Edo. The sushi invented by Hanaya was an early form of fast food that was not fermented (therefore prepared quickly) and could be eaten with one’s hands roadside or in a theatre. Originally, this sushi was known as Edomae zushi, because it used freshly caught fish in the Edo-mae (Edo Bay or Tokyo Bay). Though the fish used in modern sushi no longer usually comes from Tokyo Bay, it is still formally known as Edomae nigirizushi.

1. Crif Dog’s Breakfast Hot Dog

Start the morning right with the Breakfast Hot Dog from Crif Dog’s in New York. Wrapped in bacon and deep-fried, this dog is accompanied with a fried egg and American cheese. All it’s missing is a layer of hash browns and sausage gravy. Hey, when you think about it that way, this breakfast dog is bush-league! Time to step it up, Crif’s. Read more about this hot dog here.

2. South Korea’s French Fry Hot Dog on a Stick

It may look modest compared to the rest of this list, but don’t let the lack of preposterous toppings fool you. The French Fry Hot Dog on a Stick will stick your arteries like Velcro. This South Korean specialty dog is covered in thick-cut french fries and deep fried. Top it with some melted cheese and you’re on your way to bypass boulevard. Read more about this hot dog here.

3. Jimmy Buff’s Double Hot Dog

You could meet your demise in New Jersey a couple ways. Mess with the wrong guy and you might end up taking a one-way trip to a nondescript swamp with a guy named “Frankie Four Fingers”. Or you could let another frank (furter) do the job. Meet your maker with Jimmy Buff’s Double Hot Dog. Jimmy cooks two dogs in hot oil, puts them in a pizza roll, and tops them with oil-soaked sauteed onions, peppers, and potatoes. Then he sends you on a one-way trip to that big hot dog stand in the sky. Read more about this hot dog here, here, and here.

4. Paula Deen’s Lard Dog

Serious Eats first uncovered Paula Deen’s insidious plot to kill us all in 2007 with a deliciously deadly mix of butter, liquid cheese, deep-fried meat, and southern charm. However, they missed a 2005 meal that makes all the others look like health food. The Grim Reaper looms largely over Paula Deen’s Lard Dog. Why bother with relish and mustard when you could top your hot dog with bacon, Velveeta, and lard? She may have mixed the lard with a few other ingredients in order to mask the flavor of death, but it really doesn’t matter when you’re six feet under. Read more about this hot dog here.

5. Mulligan’s Hamdog

How can you improve on the chili dog? Humans had pondered that question for decades. One day, the Devil went down to Decatur, Georgia and inspired a mouth-watering, chest-clutching, smile-on-your-face-as-you-drop-dead chili burger/chili dog combo know as The Hamdog. Take one hot dog, roll it in flattened burger meat, fry it, top it with cheese, chili, and a fried egg and kiss your keester goodbye

Because of this water source is very limited, so every month is only 5,000 bottles produced and per 750 ml can you buy with USD 100 per bottle. Still less? Proved in each of thisdrinking water production, there were two special bottles called “Kings and Queen ‘with a similar bottle cap with a crown of Emperor Fredrick II of the Roman Empire, and ornamented with Swarovski crystals, available for those who would release USD 230 only to bottles containing 750 ml of water

]]> http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/world-expensive-mineral-waters/feed/ 0 http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/extreme-piercing-phuket-vegetarian-festival-2/ http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/extreme-piercing-phuket-vegetarian-festival-2/#comments Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:28:36 +0000 rappin http://thebizzare.com/?p=1093

Welcome to the Phuket Vegetarian Festival in Thailand…
It is an annual event held during the ninth lunar month of the Chinese calendar.

It is believed that the vegetarian festival and its accompanying sacred rituals…

bestow good fortune upon those who religiously observe this rite.

During this time, local residents of Chinese ancestry strictly observe a 10-day vegetarian or vegan diet…

… for the purposes of spiritual cleansing and merit-making.

Sacred rituals are performed at various Chinese shrines and temples…

… and aesthetic displays such as walking barefooted over hot coals…

… and ascending ladders with bladed rungs…

… are performed by entranced devotees known as “Ma Song”.

The festival started in 1825…

… the paricipants are not allowed to eat meat or have sex at the time of the festival.

For obvious reasons participants are asked to use only sterile blades, spears and guns.

According to physicians there is a risk of HIV and…

… hepatitis infections.

The highlight of the festival is…

… the procession in Phuket.

With a lot of…

… fireworks…

… and several different vegetarian dishes.

Enjoy your meal!

]]> http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/extreme-piercing-phuket-vegetarian-festival-2/feed/ 1 http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/top-10-most-evil-women-world-record-2/ http://thebizzare.com/bizarre-stuff/top-10-most-evil-women-world-record-2/#comments Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:28:32 +0000 rappin http://thebizzare.com/?p=1086 We all tend to focus on the evil men in the world and forget some of the truly evil women that have lived. I hope to correct that with this list. Here we have not just serial killers, but other utterly despicable women who have caused tragedy in many people’s lives. So, without further ado, here are the top 10 most evil women in history.

10. Queen Mary I Born: 1516; Died: 1558

Mary was the only child of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon to live past infancy. Crowned after the death of Edward VI and the removal of The Nine Days Queen-Lady Jane Grey, Mary is chiefly remembered for temporarily and violently returning England to Catholicism. Many prominent Protestants were executed for their beliefs leading to the moniker “Bloody Mary”. Fearing the gallows a further 800 Protestants left the country, unable to return until her death. It should be noted that Elizabeth I shares position 10 on this list for her equally bad behavior.

9. Myra Hindley Born: 1942; Died: 2002

Myra Hindley and Ian Brady were responsible for the “Moors murders” occurring in the Manchester area of Britain in the mid 1960’s. Together these two monsters were responsible for the kidnapping, sexual abuse, torture and murder of three children under the age of twelve and two teenagers, aged 16 and 17. A key found in Myra’s possession led to incriminating evidence stored at a left-luggage depot at Manchester Central Station. The evidence included a tape recording of one of the murder victims screaming as Hindley and Brady raped and tortured her. In the final days before incarceration, she developed a swagger and arrogant attitude that became her trademark. Police secretary Sandra Wilkinson has never forgotten seeing Hindley and her mother Nellie, leaning against the courthouse eating sweets. While the mother was obviously and understandably upset, Hindley seemed indifferent and uncaring of her situation.

8. Isabella of Castile Born: 1451; Died: 1504

Isabella I of Spain, well known as the patron of Christopher Columbus, with her husband Ferdinand II of Aragon, are responsible for making possible the unification of Spain under their grandson Carlos I. As part of the drive for unification, Isabella appointed Tomás de Torquemada as the first Inquisitor General of the inquisition. March 31, 1492 marks the implementation of the Alhambra Decree; expulsion edicts forcing the removal or conversion of Jews and Muslims. Roughly 200,000 people left Spain; those remaining who chose conversion were subsequently persecuted by the inquisition investigating Judaizing conversos. In 1974, Pope Paul VI opened her cause for beatification. This places her on the path toward possible sainthood. In the Catholic Church, she is thus titled Servant of God.

7. Beverly Allitt Born: 1968

The “Angel of Death, Beverley Gail Allit, is one of Britain’s most well known serial killers. Working as a pediatric nurse, she is responsible for the murder of 4 children and the serious injury of 5 others in her care. When available, insulin or potassium injections were used to precipitate cardiac arrest; smothering sufficed when they were not. Although convicted with death or injury in nine cases, Allit attacked thirteen children over a fifty-eight day period before being caught red-handed. Allit has never spoken of the motive for her crimes, but Munchausen’s Syndrome by Proxy explains her actions. This debatable personality disorder involves a pattern of abuse or harm to someone in your care in order to garner attention (Alitt was known as a child to wear bandages and casts over wounds, but would not allow them to be examined).

6. Belle Gunness Born: 1859; Died: 1931

Belle Gunness was one of America’s most degenerate and productive female serial killers. Standing 6 ft (1.83 m) tall and weighing in at over 200 lbs (91 kg), she was an imposing and powerful woman of Norwegian descent. It is likely that she killed both her husbands and all of her children at different times, but it is certain that she murdered most of her suitors, boyfriends, and her two daughters, Myrtle and Lucy. The motive was greed-pure and simple; life insurance policies and assets stolen or swindled from her suitors became her source of income. Most reports put her death toll at more than twenty victims over several decades, with some claiming in excess of one hundred. Inconsistencies during her post mortem examination; the corpse was reported to be two inches shorter than Belle’s six feet, paved the way for Belle Gunnes to enter American criminal folklore, a female Bluebeard.

5. Mary Ann Cotton Born: 1832; Died: 1873

Englishwoman Mary Ann Cotton is another for-profit serial killer, predating Belle Gunnes by thirty years. Married at age twenty to William Mowbray, the newlyweds settled in Plymouth, Devon, to start their family. The couple had five children, four of whom died of ‘gastric fever and stomach pains’. Moving back to the north-east, tragedy seemed to follow them; three more children born, three more children died. William soon followed his offspring, dying of an ‘intestinal disorder’ in January 1865. British Prudential promptly paid a 35 pound dividend, and a pattern was established. Her second husband, George Ward, died of intestinal problems as well as one of her two remaining children. The power of the press, always a force to be reckoned with, caught up with Mary Ann. The local newspapers discovered that as Mary Ann moved around northern England, she lost three husbands, a lover, a friend, her mother and a dozen children, all dying of stomach fever. She was hanged at Durham County Gaol, March 24, 1873, for murder by arsenic poisoning. She died slowly, the hangman using too short a drop for a ‘clean’ execution.

4. Ilse Koch Born: 1906; Died: 1967

“Die Hexe von Buchenwald” the Witch of Buchenwald, or “Buchenwälder Schlampe” the Bitch of Buchenwald was the wife of Karl Koch, commandant of the concentration camps Buchenwald from 1937 to 1941, and Majdanek from 1941 to 1943. Drunk on the absolute power rendered by her husband, she reveled in torture and obscenity. Infamous for her souvenirs; tattoos taken from the murdered inmates, her reputation for debauchery was well earned. After building an indoor sports arena in 1940, with 250,000 marks stolen from inmates, Ilsa was promoted to Oberaufseherin or “chief overseer” of the few female guards at Buchenwald. She committed suicide by hanging herself at Aichach women’s prison on September 1, 1967.

3. Irma Grese Born: 1923; Died: 1945

Another product of the Nazi’s final solution, Irma Grese or the “Bitch of Belsen” was a guard at concentration camps Ravensbrück, Auschwitz and Bergen-Belsen. Transferred to Auschwitz in 1943, (she must have shown particular enthusiasm and dedication to the job), she was promoted to Senior Supervisor, the 2nd highest ranking female in camp, by the end of the year. In charge of over 30,000 Jewish female prisoners, she reveled in her work. Her work included; savaging of prisoners by her trained and half starved dogs, sexual excesses, arbitrary shootings, sadistic beatings with a plaited whip, and selecting prisoners for the gas chamber. She enjoyed both physical and emotional torture and habitually wore heavy boots and carried a pistol to facilitate both.

2. Katherine Knight Born: 1956

The first Australian woman to be sentenced to a natural life term without parole, Katherine Knight had a history of violence in relationships. She mashed the dentures of one of her ex-husbands and slashed the throat of another husband’s eight-week-old puppy before his eyes. A heated relationship with John Charles Thomas Price became public knowledge with an Apprehended Violence Order that Price had filed against Knight and ended with Knight stabbing Price to death with a butcher’s knife. He had been stabbed at least 37 times, both front and back, with many of the wounds penetrating vital organs. She then skinned him and hung his “suit” from the door frame in the living room, cut off his head and put it in the soup pot, baked his buttocks, and prepared gravy and vegetables to accompany the ‘roast’. The meal and a vindictive note were set out for the children, luckily discovered by police before they arrived home.

1. Elizabeth Bathory Born: 1560; Died: 1614

Countess Elizabeth Bathory is considered the most infamous serial killer in Hungarian/Slovak history. Rumors had circulated for years about missing peasant girls; offered well paid work at the castle, they were never seen again. One of these rumors reached the ears of King Mathias II, who sent a party of men to the massive Castle Csejthe. The men found one girl dead and one dying. Another was found wounded and others locked up. Described atrocities, collected from testimony of witnesses, include; severe beatings over extended periods of time, the use of needles, burning or mutilation of hands, sometimes also of faces and genitalia, biting the flesh off the faces, arms and other bodily parts, and the starving of victims. The victim total is thought to number in the hundreds occurring over a twenty-five year period. Due to her social status she was never brought to trial but remained under house arrest in a single room until her death. The idea that the Countess bathed in the blood of her victims is folklore, and one of the few things she did not do.

“Our once-pristine wildlands are threatened by ever increasing problems of pollution. Since its first publication in 1989, How to Shit in the Woods has been adopted by outdoor enthusiasts everywhere as part of the solution. In this updated edition, outdoorswoman Kathleen Meyer reviews the newly available portable potties, with special attention to individual trekkers in an all-new chapter, “Plight of the Solo Poop Packer.” Other topics include: the growing array of travelers’ field water-disinfecting systems, Giardia contamination and the now infamous critter Cryptosporidium, crotch-accessible clothing for women, and a fresh batch of “worst experience” stories, all peppered with irreverent musings. For the purist, there are more wise t.p.-less techniques from the Old World.”

“In People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead, Gary Leon Hill tells a family story of how his Uncle Wally and Aunt Ruth, Wally’s sister, came to counsel dead spirits who took up residence in bodies that didn’t belong to them. And in the telling, Hill elucidates much of what we know, or think we know, about life, death, consciousness, and the meaning of the universe

“If you have ever wondered what action to take to keep clear of a fast moving ship, this book will remove the doubt.” – from back cover. Author is a Master Mariner and Deep Sea Towing Master, Licensed Panama Canal Pilot and Active Washington State Pilot

“Whose Bottom Is This? teaches children about wild animals using an appealing quiz format. Colour photographs feature familiar and exotic creatures from around the world, and children are challenged to guess the animal by looking at it from a rear view before turning the page to see the entire animal

“A clearly illustrated manual that shows equestrians how to prepare their mounts for the unexpected, turning them into safer, more pleasurable mounts.

“A Report on Popular British Attitudes

“As soon as publisher Neil Rhodes received Brian’s manuscript he knew he had finally found the book that would redefine the publishing world. It’s the book that will tell all you less-than-successful authors where you went wrong. No longer need you try and sell your novel or play or memoir and be rejected again and again. Now you can write your own How to Write book and at last success will be yours. (…)”

“Better Never to Have Been argues for a number of related, highly provocative, views: (1) Coming into existence is always a serious harm. (2) It is always wrong to have children. (3) It is wrong not to abort fetuses at the earlier stages of gestation. (4) It would be better if, as a result of there being no new people, humanity became extinct.

“What evils await Captain Henry Mitchell on the island below? A U.S. Navy fighter pilot, he’s forced to abandon his Grumman after battling Japanese Zeros over the Pacific, but soon Japan is the least of his worries. Parachuting into rainforest canopy Mitchell is greeted by a lost tribe of pygmies and their insanely cruel leader, a female.

“Arranged in practical question and answer format, Cheese Problems Solved provides responses to more than 200 of the most commonly asked questions about cheese and the cheese making process, from problems arising during the preparation of cheesemilk and cheese ripening to queries regarding cheese analysis and the nutritional profile of cheese.”

“Life in Eighteenth Century Manchester

“Italian gestures are a language unto themselves. In Italian Without Words, 86 expressions are presented, paired with the Italian phrases they conjure and their English translations, all demonstrated by a man and woman who have to be seen to be appreciated. They’re funny, but the intent is not to ridicule; rather, they are holding on to a part of their heritage.

“No one’s got a wickeder eye for the absurdities of contemporary culture than Kaz Cooke. In Living with Crazy Buttocks she sets her sights on Barbie, NASA, celebrities, firemen (phwoaarr!), archbishops, cosmetic surgery, internet gurus, The Bill and Ben-Hur. She even takes a long, hard look at Ricky Martin’s bottom, not to mention Barbara Cartland’s beauty secrets.

Underwater explorer Barry Clifford holds some of the treasures recovered from the wreck site of the Whydah, which sank in 1717. Many of these artifacts will be on display in the new National Geographic exhibition, “Real Pirates: The Untold Story of the Whydah From Slave Ship to Pirate Ship.”
This gold ring recovered from the wreck site of the Whydah has been the subject of much conjecture. Some believe the cryptic letters are the abbreviation for a Welsh “good luck” wish. Others speculate that they may be of African origin. Another theory has it that the ring once belonged to a Royal Navy seaman named Teye, who later turned pirate.

When this bell was discovered, it provided the final confirmation that the wreck site was indeed that of the Whydah, which sank in 1717. The bell is part of a new National Geographic exhibition, “Real Pirates: The Untold Story of the Whydah From Slave Ship to Pirate Ship,”

This pistol with its brass serpentine side plate was recovered from the wreck site of the sunken ship Whydah.

This gold coin was one of many found at the wreck site of the Whydah, which sank in 1717.

And more pirate booty! Coins and artifacts recovered from the wreck site of the Whydah, which sank in 1717.

The quality and engraving of this turtledove seal suggest that it was made for a wealthy buyer.

Did you know owls regurgitate football-shaped objects twice a day? Well, they do, and those objects contain the crashed skeletons of at least one owl meal, usually a mouse, vole, shrew, or small bird. Owl pellets are commonly used in elementary schools as food web teaching accessory. However, at least according to the publishers of Owl Puke: Book and Owl Pellet they were virtually unavailable at retail before “professionally collected, heat-sterilized owl pellet” items were – believe it or not – stuffed into the above two-color illustrated book by Jane Hammerslough. Now don’t get me wrong here. I like all kind of birds, including owls. I know “kids love science especially when it’s hands on”. I also know they love “yucky stuff” but having this particular educational item in my home… I don’t know.

Though the top side of the Ouch Voodoo Doll (& Toothpick Holder) was designed to hold your favorite oral fixation toy, this product is first of all a tension reliever. Yet this is not the kind of accessory your kid’s teacher is likely to allow in class. According to baronbob.com, an online shop “crusading against the common gifts since 1998″, this Voodoo Toothpick Holder is also; an excellent conversation piece; the next great party starter; slightly (?!!) creepy; and a whole lot of whole poking fun. I am just not sure about the slightly.

The attractive artifact shown above is packaged as a keychain, so your kid can always have one of his toilets handy when feeling like freshen up a little bit. Your 12 years old likes her own flavor in everything? The Toilet Bowl Lip Gloss comes in Grape, Lemon, Apple, and Strawberry. They are chosen by the Toilet Bowl folks but there is a promise that if you buy more than one, they’ll make sure you get different ones. How lovely.

Everyone wants his kid to have artistic qualities. That is to some extent, not necessarily “all the way” as they say. It may indeed be that there were not many greater characters in the history of art than this fellow who chopped his ears off “in the name of love“. We all know that but with the Vincent Van Gogh Action Figure, your kid can now enhance his artistic tendencies and identify with Vincent “before and after his self-conducted surgery; with 2 ears or with bandaged head”. Explicitly suggested to be used as “an inspirational tool” this masterpiece is accompanied with a set of paintbrush, palette, an easel, a frame and some mini masterpieces to display. Spec: 5-1/4″ inches tall vinyl figure, two interchangeable heads. Art never looked more frightening.

The above piece of high tech technology is claimed to be a “replacement for the Whoopee cushion” and being a remote controlled device it is promised that no one will ever know who’s to be blamed. From parties and school class to elevators and your living room, your kid is promised to use the Remote Controlled Fart Machine anywhere as it works up to 100 feet and through walls. Sold, for those who are interested after all, on Spoonsisters.com. I guess some people would do anything for money.

Lastly, the Mr. Suicide

Know any other products you rather your kid won’t even know about?

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

“So far this semester he has been absent nine times. ”

“Nine times?”

“Nine times.”

“I don’t remember him being sick nine times.”

“That’s probably because he wasn’t sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It’s a fool’s paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.”

If there’s one thing that John Hughes understood, it was that kids would always want to skip school, and they would employ near genius level plotting and planning to get away with it. Ferris Bueller, a privileged junior in high school, takes his 9th sick day to enjoy a wild and crazy day with his best friend and his girlfriend while avoiding discovery by his overly dedicated (read: obsessed) principal (sorry, Dean of Students) Edward R. Rooney. Rooney is determined to prove that Ferris isn’t sick…he’s skipping school. Hughes’ masterful use of smarmy remarks, ingenious planning by Ferris, and Ben Stein’s droll delivery of “Bueller…Bueller…Bueller…” make it a staple that will go down in history, and a movie that should NEVER be remade.

Repo Man

“The life of a repo man is always intense.”

Repo Man is a perfect 80s movie. Tthere isn’t a single being alive with an un-lobotomized brain that would dare argue with that statement. Alex Cox manages to deliver a movie that is simultaneous baffling, nonsensical, some might even say pointless and yet completely satisfying. Doing a remake or a changing anything about this movie would not only ruin an 80’s masterpiece, it would probably unravel the entire space time continuum. Not to mention you’d probably have to deal with a lot of angry shrimp, after all this is the movie that made shrimp the popular seafood dish they are today. Before 1984 shrimp were seen as the cockroach of the sea, but now people every where have Repo Man to thank for their plate of shrimp.
Top Gun

“I feel the need…the need…for SPEED!”

The movie that made Tom Cruise a household name, Top Gun was the story of Maverick, a young hotshot who was selected to join an elite training academy for pilots. Val Kilmer makes an appearance as Iceman, the cold, steely rival to Cruise’s Maverick who in the end respects Maverick for his skill as a pilot. Fighter jets, brotherhood, and a group of pilots all singing “You’ve lost…that looovin’ feeelin’…whoa oh, that loovin’ feeeeelin’…” to help Maverick get the girl all make this a perfect, untouchable classic.

Top Gun

“I feel the need…the need…for SPEED!”

The movie that made Tom Cruise a household name, Top Gun was the story of Maverick, a young hotshot who was selected to join an elite training academy for pilots. Val Kilmer makes an appearance as Iceman, the cold, steely rival to Cruise’s Maverick who in the end respects Maverick for his skill as a pilot. Fighter jets, brotherhood, and a group of pilots all singing “You’ve lost…that looovin’ feeelin’…whoa oh, that loovin’ feeeeelin’…” to help Maverick get the girl all make this a perfect, untouchable classic.

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

“Put them in the Iron Maiden…”

“EXCELLENT!!”

“Execute them!”

“Bogus…”

Yes, Bill and Ted embodied all that was great about the 80’s. You didn’t have to be smart, good looking, or have a lot of money…you just had to believe in yourself and have a sense of purpose. Their purpose was passing their final presentation in World History, so that they could stay best friends, start their band (The Wyld Stallions!), and create music that would align the heavens and earth and bring peace to the entire universe. To that end, the late, great, George Carlin’s Rufus was their Morpheus, guiding them on a trek through time to gather historical figures to aid them in their presentation and help them learn some responsibility. “Be…excellent…to each other…” preaches Abe Lincoln at the end, “Annnnd….PARTY ON, DUDES!!” Allegedly there’s a remake in the works. I don’t know how or why, but they can’t possibly top perfection.

Princess Bride

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You keeled my father…prepare to die.”

Princess Bride is one of those movies that EVERYONE can enjoy on some level. Besides just being an awesome movie all around, with humor, action, adventure and romance, it’s a movie that’s enough of a chick flick to get you laid, enough of an action comedy to keep you awake, and enough fun to make everyone happy. And it’s got Andre the Giant in it! And he makes sense there!! And you know a movie has to be perfect if it has Fred Savage in it and it still rocks!!

Coming to America

“The royal penis is clean, your highness.”

So begins another day for Prince Hakeem of Zamunda. Gorgeous women bathing him and servicing his every need and whim, living in a paradise, unsullied by the outside world, and having his OWN money (as in, with his face on it). But, as his arranged marriage arrives, he realizes that he wants to choose his own bride, who “…can arouse my intellect as well as my loins.” So, where does he go? Where else? Queens, New York.

The rest is comedic history, and probably one of Eddie Murphy’s top 5 roles. A classic through and through, Coming to America can not be improved on.

Die Hard

“Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.”

Bruce Willis was propelled to superstardom when he played John McClaine. We won’t beat a dead horse by going through this one again, as we all know the awesomeness that is Die Hard, but we will say that every iota of this movie, from the young and goofy limo driver to the 80’s hot estranged wife to the 80’s badass Hans Gruber was perfect, and the succeeding sequels never reached the heights the first Die Hard achieved.

Transformers: The Movie

“One shall stand…One…shall fall.”

“Why throw away your life so recklessly?”

“That’s a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.”

“NO! I’ll crush you with my bare HANDS!!”

Children of the 80’s, you remember the war between the heroic Autobots and the treacherous Decepticons…before they went CG, before Michael Bay…before Megan Fox. You remember how badass they made Optimus Prime in that movie, and I bet at least half of you reading this cried when Prime died after the epic confrontation between Prime and Megatron. No animated “kids’” movie before or since has had quite the emotional impact on an entire generation of children. It was perfect in its presentation, in its action, and in its marketability. And the only thing to come close to it was…

GI Joe: The Movie

“Cobra-LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!”

A Real American Hero. GIJoe is there. Fighting for freedom over land and air against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. You all know the catch phrases and even though this one went direct to video, it was still perfect for the same reasons Transformers: The Movie was. It was the great pinnacle of GIJoe, where the creators took more risks than they had before and presented a deeper (albeit strange) storyline than had previously been attempted. Though the creators backed off from killing Prime’s GIJoe counterpart Duke, it was still ballsier than anything they’d previously attempted. Besides, with badass characters like Nemesis Enforcer, Golobulus, and Serpentor, who didn’t love it?

Conan

“Conan, what is best in life?”

“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women”

The movie that made Arnold a star, Conan the Barbarian has been copied, parodied, and usurped so many times that it’s almost hard to tell what the source material is…except that none of the copies have EVER lived up to the awesomeness that was Arnold’s Conan. In spite of the fact that no one could even understand Arnold’s “English” back then, so much so that they had to dub his dialogue, he was still the perfect and only choice for the role, making him an icon and making the movie, full of barbarian badassity, a true classic, perfect and untouchable.

The Thing

“I know I’m human. And if you were all these things, then you’d just attack me right now, so some of you are still human. This thing doesn’t want to show itself, it wants to hide inside an imitation. It’ll fight if it has to, but it’s vulnerable out in the open. If it takes us over, then it has no more enemies, nobody left to kill it. And then it’s won.”

There is a reason why The Thing is in IMDB’s top 250 movies list, and its because the movie really is that good. And if you’ve been paying attention over the years (like me) The Thing is actually rising in the ranks. Anyway, The Thing is set in Antarctica and its got one hell of a lead hero: Kurt Russell. That in and of itself should win you, but if it doesn’t let me give you the plot description: Scientists in the Antarctic are confronted by a shape-shifting alien that assumes the appearance of the people that it kills. Sheer fucking genius. Hell even the tagline is perfect: Man is The Warmest Place to Hide. You think Will Smith’s dog in I Am Legend is awesome? Ha! Wait until you check out the Oscar worthy performance by Kurt’s dog. He makes Lassie look like a chump. Here’s the part that bugs me. This is clearly John Carpenter’s best film ever, and it still manages to be underrated. How is that possible?! I am hoping Hollywood does not tread into this masterpiece’s waters and decide a remake is in order, because it will not be anywhere near as good nor surpass its predecessor.

The Lost Boys

“And then his dog started chasing my mom like the hounds of hell in ‘Vampires Everywhere.’”

“We’ve been aware there’s some very serious vampire activity in this town for some time.”

“Santa Carla’s become a haven for the undead.”

“As a matter of fact, we’re almost certain ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at city hall.”

“Kill your brother, you’ll feel better.”

Lost Boys is the quintessential teenage-horror flick that sprung from the 80’s. Back when Joel “Bat Nipples” Schumacher was truly a mastermind, he birthed unto us this gem. I’m not sure about you guys, but I still believe Lost Boys is the best vampire flick of all time. Yep, that includes Blade, Underworld, Interview, etc. – they are all no match for this perfect horror flick. It gave us both Coreys (who incidentally, were born to play their respective roles), one bad ass Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric’s greatest performance. The Lost Boys just so happens to be one of those rare flicks that actually gets better and better every time you watch it. There is absolutely nothing I would change about this movie and that is why it is the essence of pure perfection.

12.) The Hot Blonde with Massive Boobs at the Blackjack table

Sure she’s better to look at than your 66-year old dealer who has worked the graveyard shift a few years too many, but you can’t expect to be able to make any money with those two massive distractions at the table. You may ask why you should care about making money when there’s more appealing matter to attend to. Well as any Vegas veteran will tell you….There’s a few other venues in Vegas which have about 42 hotter distractions who will attend to you if you make money now. Plus, she’s not going to be as impressed with your stack of $1 chips as you think she is.

11.) The Guy Who Bets on Red AND Black and then Celebrates Winning 

These are the same people who go up to their room at 2am, drink a few Heinekens from the mini-bar, watch Pulp Friction, only to end up playing some “Solitaire” themselves, and then tell their friends they “scored” in Vegas.

10.) Poker Name Dropper 

This guy knows every obscure poker player in the world and just happens to have played with all of them even though he’s at a $1/$2 No Limit table. I’m sure he’s just trying to build his bankroll back up before he takes on Phil Hellmuth.

9.) The Guy Who’s Been in Vegas for 3 days and Hasn’t Seen his Hotel Room

This guy has stains on his favorite club shirt from one too many drunken trips to the Round Table Buffet at Excaliber. If you couldn’t tell he was on a 3 day bender from the stench of Captain Morgan and of buffet bacon just give him 22 seconds and he’ll tell you. Despite his disheveled appearance he’s still trying to pick up any girl holding a yard glass half filled with a hurricane. Even if he is successful, any girl who can overlook his appearance has a questionable pedigree and….not everything stays in Vegas.

8.) The Guy Who Was “Way Up”

As soon as you hear “I was way up just 2 hours ago”, you know that’s an amateur. They clearly didn’t ever expect to be up in the first place and just want everyone to know that after 3 hands they briefly were. Now that they believe their skill is not at fault, they can rationalize losing their iPhone fund to bad cards.

7.) The Dice Blower 

Who am I kidding…Who doesn’t love her. You know the saying in craps “It’s good luck for a first-timer to blow on your dice before you shoot”. That saying also doubles as my life mantra.

6.) The Person Who has to Ask the Dealer What They would Do

This guy watched 21 on the plane, and is now a card counting guru. Yet the guru has a 16, the dealer is showing a 5 and they still have to ask what the odds are. And you have to sit through the dealer breaking it down for them in hopes that the card counting savant has enough chips left over to tip them on the next rotation.

5.) Catatonic Drunks 

This is exactly where the casino wants you. Drunk enough to take the dealer’s bust card, yet capable enough to Let It Ride. It’s the casino’s magic formula: Free drinks, no sleep and an ATM never more than a 37-second stumble away. Unfortunately, there’s nothing more painful than waiting on this guy to realize it’s his bust card to take.

4.) “Let’s Go to the Strip Club” Guy

He’s best dealt with by letting him know that it’s 11am, you were just there 5 hours ago, and to give it a rest. Besides, at this hour the strippers working there are the Tara Reid squad ….botched boob jobs and a nickel-a-day coke habits.

3.) The Statistician
This Monday morning quarterback lets you know exactly what the odds dictate that you should have done on that last hand since you didn’t use your fraction of a percent advantage. Yet, they still don’t have the rocks to call an all-in with their 51% advantage.

2) Silent Asian Assassin

You’ve seen the 40 year old Asian woman who doesn’t say a word for hours, but has a chip stack that looks like the skyline of NYC. No one is sure how she got so many…but we can only assume that she learned her mastery in a Shaolin temple.

1.) The Poor Friend

He shows up with $60 and expects that to last him 3 days, including meals. He never bets after 1pm, when the table limits go above $5, and you most likely will find him at O’Shea’s, basking in the glory of the $2 blackjack tables and $1 hot dogs.

Bonus Feature: How to become one of the worst people to gamble with

Finally, if you want to become one of the worst people to gamble with, I present to you the Buge Hoobs Tour de Strip. We think it’s going to revolutionize Vegas, and that casinos will finally be able to afford to build that extra wing.

The rules of the Tour de Strip are quite simple:
Without any sleep, visit all 17 major casinos on the Strip
Spend at least 1 hour in each casino
Have at least 1 drink in each casino
Play a different game in consecutive casinos
Whoever has the most money at the end (or is still standing) wins!
Note: This may be modified to Tour de Strippers by substituting strip clubs for casinos and lap dances for gambling.